fun with multiple personalities

(The following is the much sought-after interivew with the creative genius behind Amanda's Crucible.)

Okay, Amanda. What’s your deal? You aren’t blogging that much anymore. You’re not going to abandon this, are you?
No, no. I have no plans to quit writing. I have six fans I have to think of. I can’t let them down. I mean, they have this page bookmarked! Seriously, though, I just don’t have as much time as I used to with my work schedule becoming more demanding and all. I have to be in the mood to write, too. I don’t want to just post a bunch of boring crap about work that nobody would want to read.

But lately, all you’ve written about is work. Is that all you do? Do you have a social life at all?
Ouch. I wasn’t expecting these Geraldo Rivera-type hard hitting questions. Yes, my job is very time consuming so most of my life is revolving around that. Especially with Bah Humbug season rapidly approaching. However, I do try to spend as much quality time with my husband as possible.

Yeah, your husband? Remember him? What does he think about your new job? Is he mad about all the time you’re spending away from him?
Oh, he’s handling it all quite well, actually. He’s away at work most of the time too, so my hours don’t affect him as much as you might think. He’s very proud of me and already has grandiose plans for my extra income. He gets his jollies from sitting around in front of his amortization guide and a calculator, trying to see how quickly we can pay off the truck. My vote is for granite countertops, but I suppose those will have to wait. Seeing as how it's his money and all (snort).

So how are you liking your new job?
It’s unbelievably challenging, but I think I’m going to do well once I get going and get my relatively new staff trained. The timing of my promotion will make the holiday season difficult, but I’ll survive somehow.

In case you hadn’t noticed, none of your readers are jewelers. Could you give us a brief explanation of what you do? Since you obviously have nothing else to blog about?
Ouch again. Okay. First and foremost, I’m a jeweler. I size rings, set stones, fix whatever is broken, and try not to break what is already fixed. I have five employees working for me, and they do most of the repairs. I maintain communication with all the stores we do work for, make sure all the work gets done correctly and in a timely fashion, and basically just try to keep the system running. I guess you could say I’m a glorified hall monitor. Just without the badge.

Is that it? Geez, you make it sound so difficult when you’re writing. Somebody pays you do to that?
Yeah, well you don’t exist. All six of my fans know that this is all me. So there. Got any real questions mister Figment of my Imagination?

(Awkward silence #1)

Got any secret tattoos no one knows about?
What a lame question. And you know I don’t post personal stuff like that. If I decide to get a tramp stamp one of these days, I’ll just send a mass e-mail accopmanied by a photo.

Favorite color?
Sigh.

Favorite movie?
(rolls eyes, tousles strand of hair) An interesting question por favor or I’m walkin’ outta here. I’ve seen better interviews in the Russellville High School Panther Press. Holly knows what I’m talking about. Remember that Student Profile I wrote senior year? Heh heh heh. Oh, those were the days.

Speaking of high school…
Ah, crap.

I heard you were a big dork. True or false?
As the years have gone by, my bad memories have become much, much worse in my mind. I recall quite a few horrible experiences but I am pretty sure they are skewed by the passage of time. I wasn’t terribly cool, but I survived. I'm super cool now, that's a cold hard fact.
What about that time you wore the same clothes three days in a row?
Where on earth did you hear that from?

What was up with your seventh grade school picture?
I was growing my bangs out. Don’t judge.

And your huge crush on Star Trek: The Next Generation boy genius Wesley Crusher? I heard he was gay.
Okay, now you’ve gone too far. Don’t hate on ole Wesley. I thought he was wonderful and brilliant and had just the prettiest little brown eyes. I will not sit here in this press junket and listen to such slander!!!! Sigh. Could somebody get me some Evian? Or a little drink with an umbrella in it? Thanks.

Mmmmm. Sounds like somebody is still carrying a torch for Ensign Crusher. How does your “number one” feel about this? Hmmmm?
Jonathan understands my abiding love for Wesley and several others. To be fair, I share him with a couple of ladies who will never love him back, so things are fine.

Others? What others?
Well, I do love Jude Law in spite of the fact that he’s pretty much a pretty boy/philanderer. But he’s a great actor with an accent and totally hot, so I’m forgiving. Same goes for Russell Crowe, but I’m not diggin’ the shaggy 70’s hairdo. I liked him best in Gladiator. Also Michael Palin of Monty Python fame and George from Grey’s Anatomy. Just to name a few. Do-gooder Brad Pitt and Scientology nut job Tom Cruise just aren’t interesting enough for me.

Uh, you heard about George from Grey’s Anatomy, right?
Yes, yes. I know George likes McBoys. I just can’t talk about that right now, it’s too soon (blinks back tears). I really could use a break. Stop the cameras. Is anyone bringing my Evian? I’m a bit parched.

This is your imagination, not a press junket for the next Star Trek movie in which you explore the galaxy with Wesley Crusher!! You’re a mediocre jeweler married to a guy you met in band camp. You have to hide all your shoes from your cat because he has a fetish for shoelaces. You send out a public service announcement every time to do anything in the kitchen more challenging than boiling water. Your muffler on your car is practically dragging the ground, you need to get your roots done, and everyone knows you don’t really know your left from right. Nobody is getting you any blasted Evian!!!!

(Awkward silence #2)

I suppose that’s sad but true. To be honest, I’ve never purchased Evian. I’m too cheap. I get the Sam’s Club brand from Wal-Mart.

This interview is so over. Ashley Judd is waiting. You remember her? She played Lt. Robin Lefler, Wesley Crusher's love interest back in Season Four? You're excused.
Stupid figment.